from wilmore, with Love

I see these walls often, but never had a name for them until I had a conversation awhile ago with a dear friend, mentor, and amazing professor of Old Testament studies.  Here they are, all in order, increasing in their ugliness and scariness, bringing any kind of  productivity to a complete standstill- perfectionism, procrastination, paralysis, and panic.
Learning, forgetting, and relearning these:

Perfection- Do we honestly think that we are only as good as what we do, that how well we perform indicates how valuable we are?

Procrastination- I mostly do this out of fear…so do you.  What if I don’t do a good enough job?  (see above)

Paralysis- The wild thoughts enter in, the crippling questions flow- “I won’t ever be able to get it all done before the deadline! I might get fired or flunked, demoted or deserted! How did I get here again? Is that really what time it is???”

Panic- I freeze up, make horrible quick decisions, and try to disguise the reality that three walls, and now almost four, have been constructed around me.

And they there are.  Look at them. Ghastly and gruesome.  Tall enough to stop even the best.  Once those walls get up, man it’s tough to bring ‘em down.  Solutions? DIY fixes? Productivity vaccinations?
Yep.

Gut-level, relentless, shocking, honesty.  With yourself.  With others.  This is the only hope we have.  Maybe the most believed sentence we tell ourselves is, “If my  circumstances would change, then my life would be much different.”  A dear friend told me yesterday this is the lie we tell while looking into the mirror.  The truth is, “If I would change, then my life would be much different.” He’s right.  And the truth is setting me free today.

from wilmore, with Love.

Combine a recent philosophy paper, with glimpse of God’s love, and a line from “The Shack” Lindsay just read to me the other night, & here’s what you get:

Headache:
In my paper, I proposed God is eternal, rather than everlasting.  Meaning, God is not bound by the  dimension of time, He exists outside of it.  He sees everything as the eternal present.  Always now, always.  Future and past do not exist to God because these connote a timeline.  It’s all in the present for God, all now - His Son hanging on the cross and the moment you told Him you would follow Him if He would have you.  Carry this further - God doesn’t know the future (put your fists down)…because there is no future for God, it’s all happening NOW.  Nothing surprises Him, not even your worst moment on your worst day back then or coming soon.  You have the ultimate free choice and free will to make any horrible or great decision.  He knows it already, but yet at the same time not until it happens, not until it is in the present, for us.  Commence headache.

Heartache:

Because there are no surprises with God, because He knows all there is to be known, He knows your tomorrow (again, only present to Him though).  Therefore, because he knows this, there are no expectations with God.  When one has expectations, it implies they aren’t sure what will happen or what you will do in the future.  Future, by definition, implies a timeline one has to be on to measure it.  God doesn’t exist in time though, remember?  Read this over and over - There are absolutely no expectations in God’s love for you. He knows your tomorrow (and your past) and loves you still.  In fact, He still sees them as now.  There is no manipulation, shame, or guilt in His perfect and holy love.  These only have served to produce fear.  God’s love destroys shame, guilt and fear. There is no need to manipulate, guilt, or shame someone whom you already know their tomorrow.  His love comes to all, seriously all, without expectations.  Commence heartache.

Loving Father, teach us to love ourselves and each other how you love.

from wilmore, with Love.

Talking to a friend about part 1 of this post.  A couple lines from our conversation must be heard by more than just me.

“Things that are a waste of time aren’t watching a movie or late night conversations on the couch.  Things that are a waste of time are: worrying, being angry, and things that destruct life.”

I’ll put it this way. I wasted time some significant time this morning.  Striving to rest in a place where I don’t waste time…you?

from wilmore, with Love.

A few weeks ago, in one of Asbury’s poetry workshops this Fall, my poet friend Dave said something still haunting me.  As he was telling us his early morning writing habits, and as a result, his early bedtime routines, he spoke of what he thought was one of the worst sins. “Wasting time is a real sin,” he said.  And at that, I went to writing furiously in my notebook. 

Except it has been chasing me ever since- the sin of wasted time.

The first thing in Scripture God calls holy is— time.  When it is desecrated, time’s blood is on our hands.  Moments squandered are moments forfeited.  We won’t ever get it back. Ever.  The resource most valuable to us, time, is spoiled if not used within, well, now. 

I told Lindsay yesterday I had come to a new revelation, an embarrassing one because it seems so obvious.  In the face of an intense travel and speaking schedule, heavyweight projects for work here on campus, along with husbandry, daddyhood, friendshipping, and, oh yes, schoolwork, October has proven to be a bear of a month.  With many hats to wear and only one (sleepy) head, I told her, “I cannot afford to waste time.”  I just can’t.  For some fine print in this new (and almost shameful) revelation- time spent resting, laughing, and talking late into the night is NOT wasted time.  Many times, pardon the pun, these moments are some of the best I’ve had the opportunity to enjoy this month.  But time wasted, I am now realizing, is a gift defamed.  Here’s to the future.

from wilmore, with Love.